Neighbor pissed me of today. I awoke to the distinct droning of a backho. Neighbor was ripping up MY beloved rosemary bush that just so happens to live behind his garage in the alley. What is neighbor doing? How will I make my rosemary blossom vodka in spring? The tiny plot of land is too small and inconveniently located for a jungle gym, bar-b-que, or dog run. Neighbor doesn’t even have a dog. (investigates)

…. 10 minutes later…. Neighbor is building a storage system for garbage and recycling. WTF?? Neighbor must have no hobbies. Philistine! Neighbor should move to suburbs. I no like that suburbs move into city. No like at all. Blast! I guess I’ll have to troll the alley for other unkempt herbs and spices.

You know how the eskimos have umpteen words for snow? I was looking in an old French wine book today and noticed a similar phenomenon among wine descriptors francais. The definitions of the various terms are less esoteric and more sensual/taste oriented, describing many shades of grey, or red, as it were. Some of my favorites:

Capiteux - heady, warm, and rich in alcohol.
Nerveux - lively, firm, and vigorous
Depouille - stripped, applied to very old wines which have lost most of their color and body
Etoffe - full and silky
Charpente - Well-made, well-constructed, well-built
Moelleux - mellow, luscious, full and well-rounded
Dur - hard, the opposite of “moelleux”
Fin - elegant, distinguished, with delicate bouquet

These words made me think about how wines are reviewed. Most wine reviews are Odes to wine or a mere buck shot of adjectives. Wine reviewers try to use other fruits, foods, and spices to get across their impressions of a wine, always comparing it to something else–like a Hollywood movie pitch. Is this missing some of the point?

I noticed many of the terms could be just as easily applied to women. Seperately, they seem a little similar, but use a few together, and you can paint a clear portrait. Infinite variations to get your point across. Let’s try:

Watery Pinot Grigio - maigre, as in thin, lacking body, deficient and plat, flat-without body, taste, or vivacity and dur, the opposite of moelleux, above. We could just as easily be talking about Nicole Richie.

The 1975 Barbaresco you moved one too many times - at one time this wine was fin, and no doubt very charpente, but now it’s more than un peu depouille, that’s Faye Dunaway, right?

And what sounds better, someone telling you a wine is like ripe pomegranate and cigar box? Or Angelina Jolie in leather? Is this sexist? Well, I’m hardly the first to equate an over-ripe, over-oaked California red to Pamela Anderson, am I? And nobody says Gruner Veltliner better than Vertigo’s Kim Novak in a severe charcoal grey suit, platinum blonde hair pulled tight.

Matter of fact, this is how I first learned to keep wines straight, especially Bordeaux. I assigned them lady jazz singers. St.-Estephe was Sarah Vaughan, and Pauillac was most definitely big mama Etta James.

Hey, whatever it takes to get your point across.