My friend and I were eating at the Palace Kitchen last night. White gazpacho was a knockout. Campari & sodas all around. Then this table of people show up, accessories chosen to make sure everyone knew they had money, bottle of 2000 first growth Bordeaux included.

  Oh, you didn’t know people do this? Yeah, it’s common. Hell, how do you think you get a table in New York City? Not wearing last season’s Kenneth Cole’s you got from The Rack. I’ve even seen guys change their Tag Hauers from one wrist to another just so I can get a better look. Unfortunately, Seattle use to be immune to such behavior. Not that there aren’t still plenty of dumpy Micro-millies rolling around town in a stained ComiCon 2003 t-shirt and cross trainers.

  Anyway…I’ll recap what happens in this situation, because I’ve dealt with it many times. The host puts the bottle on the table where everyone can see it. Normally, his friends don’t care–they just know it’s expensive. It’s always a boring, Wine Spectator selection he bought based on points anyway. He’ll engage the server in a discussion fit for planning the D-day beach invasion as to the best way to deploy said bottle (letting the server know all about the size of his cellar, recent acquisitions, Napa vacation, etc.). He acts (yes, it’s always a he) like no one has ever brought a $200 bottle to the restaurant before, so don’t screw this up for him. I’m thinking, oh, honey, you must be new. I’ve opened bottles far older than D-day, way more expensive and fret-inducing than this.

  But the worst part: this guy, whose table companions don’t care–will frequently interrupt the good time being had by all to make sure they appreciate his empty gesture. It’s opening up now. This was the number one wine last year. You can’t find this any more. Then, he gets pissed when people suck it down like it was anything other than Ambrosia. I’ve had guys actually rail about their guests to me, maybe a dozen or so that actually used the phrase "pearls before swine…"

  The moral of the story: Open a bottle for the happiness only and expect nothing back. Nobody can read the font from the next table anyway. And as far as throwing pearls before swine? The pigs were perfectly happy without your pearl necklace.

  The moral of the story for all you Bourgeoisie? Nobody cares. But please feel free to move to Los Angeles or New York and find some maitre d’ who does.

Chateau Bas Coteaux D’Aix-en-Provence AOC  - This is one of those Grape Expectations direct imports I gushed about a few weeks ago. All red fruit and light, with aromas of the scrubby desert. Mainly Grenache, with the usual southern Mourvedre and Syrah, and it’s $8.

  So yesterday I was assembling dinner: chop tomato and basil, add pasta. And I remembered….Shit! I like to put a bottle of red in the fridge to bring it to what I call basement temp in the summer. Nothing disgusts me more than warm red wine. Blechh. So it was then that I remembered my genius idea to stick a bottle of Bas in the freezer, the day before.

  So…yeah, the cork had slid almost all the way out and the wine had turned granita. But the nerd in me had to let it thaw, just to see what happened. Well that bottle had taken a lickin and kept on tickin because it was just as slurpable with freezer burn. Just a little ditty to remind you that wine is not so freaking fragile.