For those about to walk!

….we salute you.

What sort of public prankstering can you pull off with a 4 inch strip of duct tape? What about 8 inches? OK, you can use scissors. Oooh! and glitter. But nothing else.

Let’s see, what happened in the world of wine today, this Thursday, the Thursday before Thanksgiving? Nothing worth noting.

All wine writers try to outclever each other with their Thanksgiving match-ups this time of year, trotting out knowledge of obscure grapes and curve balls saved up from the umteen hundred tastings they attended last month. They’ll tell you how difficult it is to find a wine to go with cranberry, turkey and brussel sprouts.

Whatever. How is Thanksgiving dinner different from any other potluck, cocktail party, or get together? Well, it’s not. A bunch of different kinds of food on the table, all of them. So, just get what you like. But avoid whites that are overly dry; they’ll taste like shit against all that rich food. And lay off the oak for the same reason.

You really just want to match your wine to the inherent level of holiday family tension:

Is half your family likely to be on the Martinelli’s? Try a lower alcohol Riesling. Unless you wanna make a scene; in that case I recommend high octane dessert wine. You’ll be crazy after two glasses.

Newly left the nest? Unresolved familial issues? Oregon Pinot Gris is fabulous when chugged; and it won’t burn when you open the throat.

Coming out of the closet? Pick a high alcohol Aussie with the butchiest label. Because showing up with a bottle of Amaretto just ruins the surprise.

Disappointed your parents this year? Nothing says irresponsible quite like a bottle of Champagne that comes in a fancy box.

Your family uses “party” as a verb but doesn’t really drink wine? Meet in the middle! Make sangria with lots and lots of cheap Brandy. Because it’s fun to watch people who don’t normally drink wine puke out of their nose.

What am I drinking for Thanksgiving? Every year, I just reach into a box and pull out a bottle blind. Last year was a tasty Carmenere someone had left at our house. Doesn’t matter to me, what with the 7 servings of carbs, 11 pats of butter, 1/3 cup of salt, 313 grams of additional saturated fat, and one LB of sugar I figure I’ll be eating…..it’s not about the wine. It’s about the journey to unbuttoning your pants.