Starbuck + chocolate = Fat People REDUX
No less than 4 times today was I confronted with what I thought to be smart, considerate, progressive minded people extolling the virtues of Starbuck’s. The last comment was about a woman’s guilty pleasure - the Chantico. No, not a new mid-size from Kia. Chantico is Starbuck’s double down into the luxury chocolate market. More like double chin. I must refer to previous comments of mine…
This is a reprint from last January, genesis of said abomination:
European style hot chocolate is made from a healthy amount of shaved, bittersweet or dark chocolate, warmed until it’s liquid, and then mixed with hot milk.
And like everything else having to do with the cafe experience, Starbuck’s has now fucked that up, too. "Chantico." WTF? At only 6 ounces, it has 25% more fat calories (190grams) than a Venti Caramel Frappuccino with whip. That’s according to their website. Venti is Starbuckian for big gulp, FYI. How long before their super-sizing that little brown artery killer?
“This will establish Starbucks as somebody who will be in the chocolate category in a bigger way,” says Rob Grady, director of hot beverages at Starbucks.
Chocolate category? Reach up and slap your own face if you thought Starbuck’s was any better than McDonald’s. Harder. Don’t make me come over there. Director of hot beverages? Too many jokes… Can’t pick… That has got to be, without a doubt, the chumpiest job title ever. And if that’s what is actually on his business card? Why then, you sir, are the biggest gayrod ever.
So get yourself some bittersweet Callebaut and make yourself some liquid love. Maybe add a dash of cayenne pepper. Be the master of your own hot beverage. You’ll remember mom and that box of Nestle Quik and feel like you’ve been living a lie all this time.
November 15th, 2005 at 9:56 am
so the question becomes: Is there a VP of beverages? What about Director of Frappucinos? Just who aspires to become President of Faux-Italian Naming at Starbucks??
November 15th, 2005 at 5:14 pm
Forty oz. = Venti + Venti
That’s my favorite. Can you imagine how that looks to an Italian? How inelegant, no? Not even the metric system. Which would be 568mL. That’s over half a liter. Yeah, gimme a half liter of coffee. Gross.
Or “chai tea lattte?” How that must look to an indian. As my friend Lily said, “I’ll have tea tea the way this tea is made.”
So embarrassing.
November 16th, 2005 at 7:59 am
I had such a friend…one who lived in Washington state all his life and praised Starbuck’s for starting out small and growing, and for offering bennies to even their part-time employees. That’s precious and all, but even Ray Croc had an admirable vision for a quick meal for working men once. Big effin’ deal.
I would like, if the bennies are good, to be the Director of Muffin Flavors. I have some great ideas for soon-to-be holiday favorites, like the ‘Lo- Carb Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte Muffin’. Whattaya think?