I just had to renew my Washington state Food Handlers Permit yesterday. So, I’m cruising my bloglines and was intrigued with an article in Slate today about glove wearing in restaurants, and how chefs shouldn’t have to wear them. It bugged me. She made some great points about glove misuse. But it still bugged me. Specifically, it was the tone bugged me, the reasoning. It smacked of elitist bull shite.

Down With Gloves: Why Chefs Shouldn’t Have to Wear Them by Sara Dickerman

Oh, I’m sure the author would disagree, say she didn’t mean it that way. But you know she’s not talking about Subway, and you know she doesn’t work there. Notice the title says “chefs” not “cooks.” The tone is obvious. She thinks, somehow, that I’m better off with her fondling my salad without a barrier. That somehow gloves can get in the way for a cook trying to properly express the food sometimes–again, she’s not talking about a #2 meal deal. It’s the old condom argument (which she acknowledges).

But that is exactly what it is–and all it is. One cook thinking they don’t have to wear gloves because they’re cool, baby. Look at me, my kitchen is beautiful, I’m wearing micro greens, this is a 300$ knife. I’m clean, baby. And I can’t feel anything when I’m making your food…..pleeeease baby! If you love me, baby….

Look, the rich guy in the very best fraternity is just as likely to give you the clap as the next bar skank. Probably more so with the above attitude, wouldn’t you say?

I’m down with some of her examples of glove abuse. I’ve seen it. But in the end, her argument is just selfish. She wants to cook without protection. Her beloved food. Again, she’s not talking about the iceberg lettuce on your sub sandwich. She talks of, “doing detail work—say, twirling a little festoon of microgreens and balancing it atop a quenelle of tuna tartare…” Hey, Ruth Reichl called, she wants her sentence back.

Right sentiment, good of her to address a problem, but the wrong argument. Look, I’m a health department of one–a germ freak. I don’t like being sick. Eat breakfast out with me sometime, I knuckle the menu, never use on-the-table condiments, and never touch anything with my fingertips. People make fun of me. I’m not alone,though, many ex-servers and most nurses I know are anal about these things. Hmmmmm, why do you think that is?

Because the easiest place to catch sick–and that’s 100s of times more common than hopsitalization–is in the hospital, and, NEWS ALERT: you’re more susceptible to germ warfare from the front of the house than the back of the house, duh.

So when I was taking my food safety class yesterday. Inside I was laughing because there is an entire chapter missing in that program. It’s not just about food poisoning, it’s sickness in general. The nastiest place to pick up a cold? A filthy bar. Second nastiest? Your table, not your plate. So don’t touch it. And remember, nobody, potentially, doesn’t give a shit like a waiter.

Off the top of my head, the things that are most likely to get you sick:

Menus - Free magic carpet rides for germs! Inserted in plastic? Mmmm, better to feel the grease of 1000 sticky hands. They should be wiped every morning with bleach rags, but are they? Fancy vellum in your favorite 2 star any different? Well, they only throw out the ones with obvious grease stains. Vellum’s expensive, you know.

Condiments - Sit down before you fall down. See that ketchup bottle? It gets refilled. Over and over and over. Does it get emptied and sterilized first? Uh……. Most likely someone just wipes the lip with a bleach rag. And hopefully that’s a clean one. That label, though….Cancun for streptococci, wooo!

Glasses - Watch a bartender. Making a drink, bare hand in the olive tray, right after emptying an ashtray, hands in the till…OH! Straight to the clean glassware for your drink. Harbingers of a big germ disco. What you really have to worry about is the fruit tray and the glass washer. Olives sit all night picking up god knows what, then leftovers get dumped back into the jar at the end of the night. Ewwwww. Glass washers?….never met one that worked properly. Are the chemicals refilled? Or is that just a rotating schvitz? I’ll have a bottle of Red Stripe, please. Hopefully they rotate the stock.

I won’t even go into on-the-bar snacks except to say that everything you’ve heard is absolutely true.

What can you do to cut your chances from getting a cold? That depends. Do you want to be a freak like me? Probably not. It’s O.K. I understand. So just keep a few things in mind. If it looks dirty it probably is, but if it looks clean? That’s no gaurantee. Be aware and don’t eat where they don’t give a shit. For example, ordering drinks with fruit or tomato juice. Do you think they go through it fast enough or has that speed pour of Bloody Mary mix been in and out of the refrigerator for the last three weeks? Don’t touch communal things with your hands–whether it’s the creamer at the espresso bar or the hot sauce at brunch. And eat moldy cheese–the tastiest tummy inoculation. And the number one thing you can do? When I tended bar, I was psychotically careful not to touch my eyes. This is how cold germs get in, usually.

Funny thing is, some of the best meals I’ve had have been in the scariest conditions–dirt floors, dogs running around, bowls of runny sauces sitting out for god knows how long…I trusted the cooks because they cared. Some of the scariest places I’ve worked are among the fanciest, quenelles and all. So you make your judgment calls. For me, a restaurant showing pride in what they do is better than any A, B, or C hanging in the window. Regardless of whether that window says steakhouse, burrito, pho, sandwich, Chez Poux, or bar & grill. But, baby, you still ain’t feeding me without a rubber.