So it was my birthday. And since I’m celebrating this weekend down in Portland, I’m delaying gratification. After all, what am I, 12?

But to tell you the truth, all I wanted was to lay low. All I wanted was to watch my TiVoed Project Runway, with a Lillet on the rocks, spicy thai potato chips, and and egg salad sandwich.

Have you had the spicy thai Kettle Chips? They’re only like the greatest potato chips ever. They smell…..like a light coconut curry broth, and have a kick of spicy red chili and a strong, fresh lemongrass flavor. They make bar-b-que potato chips just seem moot. And with the Lillet, you neutralize a bit of the heat and can down an entire bag in ten minutes. I want to grind some up and fry a catfish. Oooooooh…..

Have we talked about egg salad sandwiches before? My standards for such a sandwich are at once simple, yet maniacally strict. The bread must be pillowy soft, I accept nothing short of Orowheat’s OatNut. Everything else is a shadow on the cave wall. Mayonnaise must be fresh and present in copious amounts.

Mustard must be very yellow, plain old school #7 yellow. The only other allowable ingredients are horseradish, salt, and pepper. But pepper must be of the finest grind. The key to this sandwich, its whole goddamn raison d’etre, is that the eater must be able to gum it to death.