Didn’t I just say something a few days ago about bartender/drunkie privelege? Yeah. But who doesn’t have a drunk Kiefer Sutherland story? If you’ve ever bartended in a major metropolitan area…chances are good that you do. I mean we’re talking from this photo to all the way back in the day, like a la Lost Boys.

My Kiefer story also involves a hotel lobby…. green apples, various assorted upholstered items, and a very short woman’s leather jacket. It’s not my best famous drunkie story (Courtney’s got that one by a country mile), but it’s up there. So he could sue us all for slander. But then he’d have to prove he’s not really Drunkie Crow in disguise. Oh, and he’s famous. So we can say whatever we want anyway. Especially if we were to have pictures.

It is niether exciting nor rewarding to wait on famous people, usually. Famous people get to do whatever they want, because they’re famous. Most of the time they are oblivious to their behavior, and I am convinced only run you ragged because they can…so they think they should. With famous people, les infants terribles outnumber the good. Imagine all the people over the years who’ve had to clean up after this multi-million dollar boob. Famous drunk people. They should just all live in a camp somewhere. That way they would have to clean up their own puke and only vehicularly manslaughter each other, with golf carts.

The nicest famous person I’ve ever waited on…..is a tie.

Bill and Melinda Gates are super sweet, very engaging people, who tip extremely well (she a lil’ better than he) and like to be treated the same as everyone else, truly. Oh, and I’ve never seen Bill whip out a cell phone at the table. So what’s so bloody important about you?

And Barry Bonds–the ball player–yes that one. Nobody evah better say an unkind word about that man in my presence. I will beat their ass. He helped me rake in the largest single night take ever, as a bartender. And that is a good story (and yes, it’s PG). If you could ever see him away from the blood-sucking media, you’d see a different man, and a damn good, natural born bartender.