HE “I’ll have a double Belvedere Martini, straight up with 4 olives.” (note: no please included)
SHE “Sure.”
HE “Belvedere’s the best. It’s the smoothest. I don’t drink anything else”
SHE The bar wench pours a perfectly frothy shaker full of Skyy into a glass with his shiskabob of garnish. “Whatever you say Kocheese. That’ll be $16.00.”
HE (takes a sip) “Yeah, that’s the stuff.”

Have you ever wondered why you pay MORE for a beverage that is supposed to be flavorless? Vodka is moonshine; moonshine is vodka. There is nothing special about the vodka you drink. Are you listening, yuppies?

Vodka can be made from anything that contains starch/sugar: potatoes, beets, corn, rye, wheat, even grapes, anything. It’s a colorless, high octane liquid with no age, right? Vodka means “water of life.” So a French eau de vie is a kind of brandy, but it could also fit in the vodka category. Same with Italian grappa. Vodka is distilled at high proof levels, then filtered to remove any impurities, charcoal filtered.

Are you pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down? Any lightbulbs going off?

It did for a friend of a friend of mine. Premium vodkas (and this goes from Smirnoff on up) are filtered at least three times. Big shots like Grey Goose and Belvedere tout themselves as being filtered as many as 5 or 6 times.

When I bartended, there was nothing more annoying than the needle-dicked guy who felt the need to defend his vodka choice. See, once you get to a level of no flavor, how flavorless can it get? What’s smoother than smooth? These amps, they go to eleven.

Go buy yourself a gallon of some vodka in a plastic jug, the cheaper the better, the sweeter the victory when you turn this butt ugly duckling into an 80 proof swan.

Keep a Brita filter in a plastic bag for your filtering purposes. Switch filters in your pitcher and start running the hooch on through. 4 times? 5 times? Whatever you want.

The extra, added bonus: you’re killing anything that was living in that pitcher.

Now get your olive. Only a gayrod takes more than one. Old people can have two, but that’s it. Let your moonshine sit in some ice. Stir it, shake it, whatever you have to do, James. Get it into your fancy glass.

Now. You tell me, will you ever pay $40.00 for that bottle of moonshine with ducks and shit on it ever again?