European style hot chocolate is made from a healthy amount of shaved, bittersweet or dark chocolate, warmed until it’s liquid, and then mixed with hot milk.

And like everything else having to do with the cafe experience, Starbuck’s has now fucked that up, too. "Chantico." WTF? At only 6 ounces, it has 25% more fat calories (190grams) than a Venti Caramel Frappuccino with whip. That’s according to their website. Venti is Starbuckian for big gulp, FYI. How long before their super-sizing that little brown artery killer?

“This will establish Starbucks as somebody who will be in the chocolate category in a bigger way,” says Rob Grady, director of hot beverages at Starbucks.

Chocolate category? Reach up and slap your own face if you thought Starbuck’s was any better than McDonald’s. Harder. Don’t make me come over there. Director of hot beverages? Too many jokes… Can’t pick… That has got to be, without a doubt, the chumpiest job title ever. And if that’s what is actually on his business card? Why then, you sir, are the biggest gayrod ever.

So get yourself some bittersweet Callebaut and make yourself some liquid love. Maybe add a dash of cayenne pepper. Be the master of your own hot beverage. You’ll remember mom and that box of Nestle Quik and feel like you’ve been living a lie all this time.