This experiment had some fits and starts. My Dunkin Donuts Original Blend brew challenge didn’t start off well. I cut open the sealed bag to reveal the beans at right. Yuck. That shine’s not from oil, that’s just the flash that I was to lazy to correct. These beans were light brown and completely dry, with lots of cracked and broken bits. Sorry, but I’m used to dark chocolate colored beans glistening in their own flavorful oils. I see light dung brown and think weak, and no oil? I worry about the flavor. The first pot of coffee I make has to be thrown out because it’s the wrong strength–tastes like charred wood. My first conclusion: Dunkin Donuts is a coffee best served weak.

I use the same amount of coffee and 2+ more cups of water(!). Now I’ve got something that’s diner coffee strength, but….now it still smells like burnt beans, not roasted–burnt. And it still tastes like sludge. I try again with a coarser grind, same amount of water. Now I’m getting something that smells like coffee, all be it a pot that’s been sitting on the burner for a few hours. It tastes stronger than I expect. If I was served this for breakfast, I’d drink it–with cream and sugar. I try a little that way–OK, I’d have a second cup of this.

I put the rest of the coffee in a thermos and head to the Capital Hill neighborhood in Seattle. Now that I’m unemployed, I’ve gotten back into the cafe skulking lifestyle I lived as a bartender/vampire. Capital Hill has a few of my favorites, all within walking distance. Again, my prejudice is that I prefer darker roasts, but I’ll be pitting the DD blend against fellow medium roast drips. I also am a coffee nerd and happen to love the good beans in this city. And I have no problem paying $3 to $5 more a pound for the good shit. That’s one Frappa-oompa-choco-caramel-atte–choochoo at the mermaid.

Bauhaus - I bet I’ve written at least 6, 723,017 words here. I’ve met some of my best friends here. A sentimental favorite, I used to order drip all the time. When it was from Cafe Trieste in San Francisco (tantamount to treason in these parts), it was rich, smooth, and hella-strong. Now, it’s robust, a little chocolatey, with a kick of bitterness, and doesn’t seem to induce as many jitters. When drunk next to the DD drip, I notice the Bauhaus blend is also kinda fruity. Black, I prefer the Bauhuas, the DD blend wins with cream, and Bauhaus wins again with cream & sugar.

(TO DEFINE “fruity” - Fruity, in the coffee world is something I’ve come to fake. I never taste it per se, but I know by listening to other people at tons of cupping events, what fruity tastes like to them. I’d call it more of a dried/sugary/acid quality that hits in the upper roof of your mouth. Sometimes it’s vaguely citrus, like chocolate and orange. It leaves you with a strange sensation, think of drinking orange juice 15 minutes after you brushed your teeth. Fruity. And I don’t like it.)

Cafe Vita - Their Luna blend is my favorite coffee in Seattle. I love me some French roast. But today I’m drinking the Guatemalan Huehuetenango, Finca Nueva Armenia, fair trade and certified organic. I’ll give time for that to soak in. And for the first time, I think I get “fruity.” This coffee smells cocoa/citrus-laced. It smells bright, as we winos would call it. I like the smell more than the taste. This time, the DD blend has the more dark elements I like. But with cream, and cream & sugar, I like the Guatamalan Sassafrassinfarfenbrewin. It has a teensy hint of Turkish coffee to me. And whenever I smell anything like cardamom I go apeshit.

Tally so far: Seattle brews 4, DD 2. Not a complete blowout as expected.

Espresso Vivace - Oh, it’s on now. Slooooow roasted, caramelly goodness. When I need a “moment,” I come here for a shorty latte. Wicked perfection. I fudge a bit and order an Americano with their Espresso Vita, extra water. I get a look from the barista and feel the need to explain myself. It has the ever so soft smell of homemade caramel, the most complex coffee of the day, smell and taste. The DD blend really shows its flaws. I’m looking at it next to the Halle Berry of coffee and it’s not even fair. I’ll take my thermos and go. Further comparison would be cruel.

Starbucks - I feel dirty. Just being here. I hope no one sees me. I choose the House Blend because they say that’s the one most restaurants and cafes worldwide always serve as drip. It smells like burnt fruit, like when my kolachki oozed strawberry jam all over the bottom of the oven. The taste is smooth, too smooth for me, but at the end it gets all bitter. The sharp tang after the watery flavor is out of whack. I prefer the DD blend black, it has more character. With cream, I mask the bittery finish of the Starbuck’s and it tastes better than DD. But with cream and sugar, it’s back again, that rot in my mouth like waking up with a hangover from too many sugary drinks. Blech.

Now I’m kinda speedy and decide to end the experiment. While I’d drink Dunkin Donuts if that’s all that was around, coffee is like wine. You can’t produce a coffee better than the berries from which it spawned. But also like wine, it’s a matter of personal taste. But like a wine taster, the more coffee you try, the more aware you are of the little diferences.

FINAL SCORE :
In the all-around - Other Coffee: 8 Dunkin Donuts: 4
Black: 2 to 2
With cream: 1 to 3
With cream & sugar: 1 to 3

My only real, personal bone of contention: the shit curdled my Bailey’s–a sign that the Dunkin Donuts coffee is probably acidified. (ever have a cement mixer? well there you go.)

So I’d say, I can recommend Dunkin Donuts. But if you tell me it’s your favorite coffee, then expect a care package from me.