TAB energy = W.T.F. Hall of Fame
So, I was back home in Chicago all weekend, not doing a damned thing. Just eating lots of assorted meats, reading, snacking on bon bons, and flipping through magazines.
Where I came upon this:
This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Can you just hear the boardroom pitch? “Soooo…how can we get more women to partake in the liver jolting, chemical-laced, pee colored Red Bull craze?” “How can we make it more Sex in the City?”
“Cosmos are huge now.”
“Wait! Cosmos are pink!”
“Eureka.”
And then they went and named it Tab energy. Tab? Well sure, why not. Leggings are back. Girl mullets are hot. Let’s just bring the 80’s all the way back for chrissakes.
And what the hell is with that tag line? “Fake is for last night…” Ha ha ha. Yeah I get it. “…not handbags.” ((crickets)) Wait. I don’t get it.
They’re trying to appeal to who exactly? And if you’re faking it, why do you need energy? You’d only need that if you were making it. Or you were working it. And why use the word fake, anyway? What could be faker than a low-calarie, pink, energy drink from the Coca-Cola company????????????? And what woman who could afford expensive designer handbags would be caught dead drinking anything with “Tab” on it????????????
Oh. Shit. I get it. Those guys are a bunch of monkey geniuses. But this Carrie Bradshaw-ing of American woman has gone too far. Quick: I’m gonna need a hot glue gun, a fifth of Dewar’s, some sequins, and a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker from Square Pegs.
April 19th, 2006 at 6:33 am
Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!
I just know some stupid bridge and tunnel beeeeyatches are gonna ask me if we have this! Then they’re gonna want it in a martinni glass!!!!!!
Then I’m gonna pour 151 on her and light her on fire!! She’ll lose weight when she loses all that mall hair.
April 19th, 2006 at 8:40 am
Happy Easter and happy resurrection of TAB. Bunny help us all.
April 19th, 2006 at 11:03 am
Yeah, if I were a girl I’d be pissed too. They must think you’re all stupid. Of course we sensative evolved males know better.
April 19th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
That’s SO great that you wrote this ~ ha ha ha…let’s put a fucking comso on another add …that’s original.
April 19th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Sadly, I think you’re all missing the point of this ad. I know it’s has hit all the buttons on my self esteem panel. Those monkey geniuses have created a microcosm of What Women Really Want. Come on, ladies- admit it. We all want to be 20 pounds underweight, saving our carb points for vodka and cranberry juice, so deep in credit card debt that we can’t breathe so that we can pay for our wardrobe that makes us look like an expensive French whore. Then we can sit around with only our pretty girlfriends and talk vicious smack about whoever we banged last night. We are hip, urbane, whip smart and dammit! Tab is the perfect vehicle to trumpet that fact to any and all. Thanks Coca-Cola, my life is now complete with the perfect beverage- anyone in the know will be able to sum up my life if they see that pink can on my table. God, that’s so much easier than having to actually engage anyone and letting them find out for themselves that I’m so much cooler than they are. I love it when products do that for me. Where’s my Starbuck’s latte?
April 19th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
Feegie - Right? Cuz all those frickin coked up frat boys on Red Bull n Vodka isn’t bad enough
Lisa - Bull’s eye.
April 28th, 2006 at 11:17 am
In a word: wicked. I don’t read chick magazines so I’d never know about this stupid beverage. relax. It’ll be so over in like a month. When Seagram’s reinvents the wine cooler. Again.
May 12th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
This is a lme product being sold to women only. How stupid can Coca Cola get.
November 11th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
I sincerely believe that rather being pist off , i’m happy with the drink of Coca-Cola Company, i never had saw this comercial in any magazine.. until today in this page, but i have saw another publicity.. one that inspires hapinness in a womans life, so its so contradictory for me. I think that your making a grate sea in a glass of water.
March 2nd, 2007 at 7:04 pm
hi may i just say one thing?
STOP BEING SO FUCKED UP ABOUT THE DRINK OK?? OMG IT TASTES NICE SO HU GIVES ABOUT UR BULL SHIT OK!?
March 6th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
What is th whole Tab thing?? I didn’t get it, but dude, that’s my name!!