Have you heard? There’s a war against Christmas. I had no idea. I feel so insensitive, but apparently Fox news has got full coverage of the story. Should we send Bill O’Reilly a “Get Well Soon” card?

I guess I just didn’t realize that white, christian males were so persecuted in this country. I guess I was just too wrapped up in my own little world. What a terrible thing, to besmirch the birth of baby Jesus with such lewd tidings as Happy Holidays. Such profanity. And in a, well, secular state and all….disgusting.

Seriously. Jesus H. Johnson, they found a pill for erectile disfunction, what more do these honkie boys want? If only we could strain O’Reilly and his pompous ilk from this melting pot of ours. They’re fucking up the stew.

In honor of these oh-so-tormented, racist, fundamentalist, white, “persecuted” Americans, I’m going to do the following today:

Review and drink a French wine:

Wines from the Jura always have a peculiar bent. They don’t try to please you; they don’t care. That’s probably why I love them so much.

When the grapes ferment, marc (francais for grappa) is added to stop fermentation. So this is a fortified wine, just like Port. It has an oxidative or sharp yeasty quality to it, meaning it smells like Sherry. But mixed with this funky fresh stink, the flavors are lively and grapey, like a Pineau des Charentes. I’d serve this with lots of salty, pre-dinner foods like almonds, olives, and anchovies. An aged, but not too crumbly Pecorino has the sharp tang to match.

Buy only things made in Japan:

I can’t stay away from The Daiso super fun happy 100-yen store. They have such marvelous, tiny things. How do they fit all of those things in that little tiny store? It’s like magic–they have everything (view right).

This time, I bought a few sets of really cool dodecohedron chocolate molds, $1.50 each. And some sweet, CD-sized ceramic tart pans, $1.50 each. And some rare A4-sized notebooks, extra thin lined (I write wee), $1.50 each. My favorite purchase was a pair of small iron pots. If I pre-heat them, they should make nice for shabu shabu. Or cheesy grits.

I thought Daiso would be all adorable tchotchke. But they’re importing tons of great bakeware and little charming paper molds to bake in and give away, fun size tupperware, and any kitchen gadget you’ve ever wanted. All for, you guessed it, $1.50.

Give in to European propoganda:

Last week’s paper had a full page ad dedicated to the promotion of German foods. I didn’t know Bratwurst was sagging in the polls. The ad reminded you that many holiday traditions, like the Advent calendar, Kris Kringle himself, the Christmas tree, and pfeffernusse, are all German of origin. Mmmmmm, pfeffernusse. www.germanfoods.org

And share a recipe for Indian Dosai that I will eat on Christmas.

1/2 cup channa dal or yellow split pea
1 cup Rice, 1/2 par-boiled and 1/2 raw
small ball of tamarind, salt, cumin seeds
1/2 tsp Shredded coconut
1/2 tsp Coriander seeds
3 Red chillies
Salt & pepper

Soak the dal and the 1/2 cup of raw rice together in water for an hour and grind together with all of the above ingredients (I grind the seeds first with my mortar & pestle). Bring a heavy pan up to med-high heat and add a good 1/4 inch of vegetable oil (or half veg/half olive). Drop and spread the paste into 3 or 4 inch wide patties. When edges turn gold, flip. Serve hot with herbed chutney and/or yogurt sauce.

Shalom, Merry Soltice, Happy Holiday, and Salam O Alaikum my grapey brothers and sisters.