I could never, ever, ever work on the distribution side of things in this business. Eventually, my indie-artisan high horse would be compromised, and I’d have to make a sales goal of 200 cases of Napa Crappa or Chateau Poop or Flatuating Rabbit or some such shit.

The only supplier-side job I could stomach would be with Bonny Doon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I’m like a dog with a bone sometimes. But Bonny Doon walks the line between little/big. Compared to the real corporate hos? Doon’s a slightly larger grain of sand. A friend of mine works in the Dooniverse and sent me the new installment of Randall’s Vinferno satire of Dante’s Inferno. In the back of the hilariously illustrated text is a four page treatise entitled Chateau d’Onan or Mastery of One’s Domaine, which pontificates on everything BUT the virtue of critics. A few tasty licks:

…Alas, I fear that the puerile wine criticism that so deranges my delicate sensibility may be as much symptomatic as causal of the malaise that currently besets our industry, one that is no more immune to the infantilizing trend occuring in every other aspect of our society….

….I know that it is far too easy to make fun of their overheated, breathless prose, their formulaic obsession with soft (core) tannins verging on oeno-porn. Wait, wait, here comes the money shot (it is virtually all about the money these days), as juicy, succulent gobs of fruit seem to spurt all over the page…..

I say! Fine work, sir. A-freakin-men. I second that emotion. Here! Here! Every retailer should read this series, especially the jaded, crusty old bastards that only shop off of Wine Spewlator’s Top 100 list this time of year. (Oh, don’t you just f-ing know who you are…) It should be Wine Sales 101. And if you want to read the whole thing, go to the hot link to Bonny Doon above and request a copy (order a bottle of the Uva de Troia while you’re at it); or request a copy of part I and II from your Doon rep.