Why Critics Fucking Suck Donkey Balls
Oh good, I got your attention. I hate wine critics. They are elitist snots who use their alotted column space to force their personal opinions on you. Well, that’s what critics do, you say? No. A critic’s job is to try and communicate reasons why someone may or may not like something. A critic’s responsibility is to the people, not his ego. So, when I try to explain how I review a wine, I often use movies as an analogy. As in:
action movies: under $10 Spaniards, cheap Aussies, etc. I review these like I would Pirates of the Caribbean or Spiderman. Did it entertain me? Quench a thirst? Somewhat lowered expectations.
indie films: Your Darren Aronofsky or Wes Andersons… less available grapes like Arneis, Mourvedre and Carmenere. or regions like Fronsac, Tasmania and Pfalz, or a combo of the two: Oregon Riesling, bubbles from Trentino. You don’t find these in the grocery stoer, so they better not taste like the grocery store.
chick flicks: I don’t do chick flicks. White Lie Chardonnay and Mad Housewife are as appealing as Gigli to me. If you can’t say something nice…so I don’t.
art house films: Your more esoteric Memento, Primer. These wines are wierd and geeky, like anything that comes out of the Savoie, some Gruner Veltliner… kinda for the wine nerds.
FILMS: Your Apocolypse Nows and Blade Runners. This is Burgundy, Bordeaux, Barolo, Champagne, anywhere there is a track record, a studied history of excellence. It’s why Francis Ford Coppola can’t make a movie that sucks. We’ve all seen his masterpieces, we can’t excuse him. Same with a first growth–shit better be goooood.
So when I see critics making unreasonable judgments about this wine or that, this movie or that, this CD or that, I get pissed off. M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie, Lady In The Water, I feel, is being unfairly lambasted by the critics. They are letting their PERSONAL feelings get in the way of their M-Fing job. After seeing the movie, I know why. This movie is a big “FUCK YOU” to critics, studio heads, etc–and I loved it. And although he can be a bit heavy handed at times, M. Night is a wonderful storyteller.
He’s in love with fairy tales, all of his movies require you to suspend, at some level, your synicicm. That’s pretty hard for a jaded bitch like me, but that’s why I love his films so much. Yes, all of them. Especially Unbreakable. To me, they’re like modern fantasy. I read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy and get made fun for it all the time. But some people can’t allow themselves to be told a story like they once were told when they were a child.
I say, if you can make me feel like a child again for even 5 minutes, in this shit storm of a fucked up world we live in, give it to me. And that’s my one sentence review of Lady In The Water. Go, and maybe your bitter, jaded ass will feel uplifted and purer for a little while. If you let it.
July 26th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
I’m glad you wrote this. You have me excited to see Lady in the Water now.
Unbreakable is the greatest super hero movie ever. I don’t care what anyone says about it sucking.
July 26th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
God, I love your Dennis Leary-style rants (before he whored himself out for crap like Operation Dumbo Drop). Did you read EW’s review of this movie? The critic wondered why Shyamalan felt the need to scratch his itches in public. Isn’t that what art, in any form, does? The creator has something niggling that just has to be loosed onto the world. And whether that is revealing how terrible life was in a concentration camp or showing a dancing animated donkey, or a painting of waterlillies, it’s all the same impulse. I find that critics rarely do the job they’re supposed to do, which is help me decide if I want to spend my time watching, eating, reading or viewing whatever it is they’re reviewing. Taste is subjective. I hate critics. I hate some presumptuous jerk telling me, in detail, why I’m an idiot, foolish, lacking in taste or charm or education. My living room color is ‘out’, (those bullshit IN/OUT lists that every magazine seems to be doing now irritates me like nothing else) my jeans are so last year, I have no depth for drinking Rosé, I have no class for thinking Dr Detroit is brilliant comedy. I think all critics know each other, sitting at the same lunch table like the “cool” crowd in high school and when one says something the rest of the lemmings follow suit. I don’t always go to the theatre to have my world perspective shifted, I don’t always eat dinner with the anticipation of a taste revelation. And if I need someone to make me feel inferior for my personal taste then I’ll just go talk to my mother.
July 26th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Ahhh! We love you! Yeah, I felt like a pussy for fine seconds when this movie made me cry. But god dammit, nothing makes me cry anymore. So for that, this movie was awesome. You need to suspend some dibelief, you need to get a cherry coke and some reese’s pieces and pretend you’re 10 years old again and seeing E.T. for the first time. Why do people call Stephen Spielberg a genius then rail on M Night???? He’s twice the story teller Stevie-boy is, and his direction isn;t even half as obvious. I could go on and on and on. And I loved Unbreakable too! I agree with Kim that it is one of the best super hero movies ever.
I just didn’ think you could endear yourself to me any more than you already have. I was wrong. Forgive me.
July 26th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
Childlike? I never thought of his movies that way, but you’re right. Childlike but adult. Not that Peter Pan bullshit Spielberg slops out. Let’s face it. This is a synical, evil world and no place for a sweet, heartfelt storyteller like M.N.S. Too bad.
July 27th, 2006 at 7:58 am
You are so right Mags - I always ignore the critics when it comes to M Night films - in fact I’ve ignored critics ever since the first Star Wars - they didn’t like that either, now they suck up to Steve & George. My vote also for Unbreakable - best super hero movie (and yes, even if Bruce wasn’t in it I would still say #1)
July 27th, 2006 at 9:35 am
I agree that there’s a serious need for a new sensibility and vocabulary for reviewing wines (and perhaps film as well). Yours is a refreshing change! And doesn’t a great wine make you feel like you did after seeing Lady in the Water — “uplifted and purer”? And now for a question that I ask everyone and then judge them by — what do you think of Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut?
July 27th, 2006 at 11:50 pm
I love The Village among the rest of them and had planned to see Lady in the Water, really can’t wait now. Shit, his American Express commercial captivated me!
July 28th, 2006 at 8:16 am
Right on.
I am also a closet dork and I feel the same way about M. Night. How people can be so critical of his films, and so accepting of the obvious mediocrity of say, oh, I don’t't know, RON “don’t call me Opie” HOWARD, is beyond my brain.
July 28th, 2006 at 8:21 am
Wow, I’m getting lots of email, too, sticking up for M. Night. Geeks of the world, unite! Lisa, love the last sentence–that about sums it up. I totally agree on the Spielberg and Howard front, too. They should make John Williams the top billing in their movies, he’s the one telling you how to feel all the time.
Kubrick’s Eye’s Wide Shut, Namerus, in wine terms? A souless product, like some great winemaker pissed in a bottle and laughed knowing the label would still sell. But post-Risky Biz, I ab-whore Tom Cruise.
July 28th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
Very, very funny. I always find your writing helpful. When you were in the market, I always felt like you were picking wine for me, not just spouting your opinion. I wish more critics (yes, movie ones too!) looked at the critique the way you do. I qish I could tell critics to give us something we can latch onto instead of showing us how much smarter they are.
July 29th, 2006 at 6:41 pm
Amen
August 4th, 2006 at 10:55 pm
http://online.wsj.com/article_print/SB115343541123912940.htm
another voice…l
August 24th, 2006 at 9:56 am
That is the best review review, and movie review, I’ve ever seen. If only we could cut through the bullshit of critics like that. That would be a great site. Someone who just distilled other critics reviews down to one sentence. Anyone?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
I totally agree! I’ve always enjoyed Shyamalan’s films and the overwrought hostility of critics towards him is out of place and ignorant. Long live Shyamalan!
October 5th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I agree. I’m getting to the point where i just fucking hate critics. There are some games and movies I absolutely LOVED then I’ll later check the review for them, and they never even scored a passing grade! Its just sickening loving a movie or game, then having a critic say its horrible.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:18 am
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