OK, I don’t normally watch anything on Fox (does this young curmudgeon really need to explain why?). But principles are hard, and 24 kicks ass. This year they have hobbits, and my favorite character–the socially maladjusted, but whip smart Chloe, gets more air time.

I TiVoed the Golden Globes last night, too, and breezed through those in about 20 minutes.
(TiVo also kicks ass.) But as stars yield more to stylists and publicists, award shows just aren’t fun anymore. I mean, good things happened: gay cowboys and Johnny Cash won stuff. But, it’s all so sanitized. I might even skip the Oscars, except Dolly Parton is sure to perform. Yet it’s going to take me a little bit to recover from a certain moment of clarity visited upon me during last night’s self-felating proceedings.

Han Solo looked old. The man by which my inner kindergartner judges all men…..looked……old. And that means I’m old…..er. You know these things are bound to happen one by one–the shock of seeing your first kiss at the 10 year reunion, your rock gods carrying Baby Bjorns and Starbucks more often than their Les Pauls, people calling you ma’ am. But it’s still a harsh toke.

So this morning I took comfort in a little Prosecco and the Queen. No, not Latifah or Freddy. Queen Helene and her magical Mint Julep mud mask. This is the A #1, ichiban, most bestest beauty secret I’ve ever gotten, and from one of the most beautiful women in the world. It’ll cost you a few French 75s to get me to spill who. This is way better than the old Preperation H under the eye trick. She called it “every black girl’s best friend.” Damn if none of my black friends ever dropped this dime on me. You can find this mask in ANY drugstore around the country. It costs $3.00 for a big honking tube. And of all the velvet lined and bejeweled serums, Q10, anti-blah, blah blah, pro-active yadda, yadda, yadda department store shlock–nothing makes your face feel and look immediately younger as the Queen’s green. (Thi chemistry nerd swears it’s the Bentonite and glycerin.)

Adami Prosecco - With Proseccos, you never know if they’ll be bone or off dry until you try. But the beauty is, if you don’t hit it off, you just add something else until you do, like Drambuie or Triple Sec or a sugar cube or POM or Madeira or orange oil or fresh mint or pop rocks (do it, I double dog dare ya) or OJ or frozen berries or…are you writing this down? Why? Just add whatever you want. I like this particular Cremant because it’s not razor sharp, but you’d never call it sweet; and the bubbles have a softeness that make the wine seem delicate. It’s a blank slate, just like my newly taut cheeks. Thanks, Your Majesty.

I’m suddenly feeling better. And, well…Johnny Depp’s still hot. So there’s that.